What the F@#$%%%*&K!

I'm back!

What up Mommas and Poppas!? Oy! I haven't been here in so long! So long! But here I am. Again. At 44. In two months I'll be 45!! And things have changed. For one thing I have changed. I am so much more...maternal. 'Cause I have a kid, yo. I am totally feeling the need to whinekvetchbitch, but... Ya know... It's not like life with a toddler was a cake walk.

So, what's a little nausea? To be honest. I'm thrilled. I am absolutely thrilled to be nauseated. Y'all may know that feelings of quease are very good signs in pregnancy. Not overwhelming, hyperemesis gravidarum-type sickness, but a little feeling of yuck? Very good sign. I know this from a little personal experience since this is my 6th pregnancy. I have only one child and every pregnancy in between her beautiful birth and this feeling of mild pukiness ended in a very early, rather painless miscarriage. And I never felt sick. I never felt anything really.  I never felt very pregnant. Is that a sign? Am I rewriting my own medical history from a very faulty memory? Perhaps, but i really don't remember having symptoms with any other pregnancies except one. My good one. My good good good one.

Oh and on more thing that i haven't gotten to see since my first baby: A heartbeat. This one is alive, and maybe once it grows a few leg buds, kicking.

That tiny dot is a fetus. Also my boobs hurt.

Have Baby, will Travel-but not really

Farrah Ivy Ruth Kiyomura was born after three hours of active labor! (that's right folks-3!) on October 2, 2010 at 9 o'clock in the morning.  Yes, that makes her 7 months old. Yes, it is difficult to write a blog with a newborn.

Here she is being a baby!

ass hiccups and drug interactions

Ah, the crazy shit one experiences while pregnant.  People constantly say "no one tells you blah blah blah is going to happen" and, you know, i think that's not because of some great stoicism on the part of most pregnant women, nor is it because there is a conspiracy to keep us in the dark by mothers who fear we won't wade in if they tell us the truth!

Whew! lookit that bump! 33 weeks!

I think the information is just so diffuse because while somewhere someone is experiencing just exactly what you are, chances are that person is not you friend, or your cousin, or anyone you know.  There are so many hundreds of symptoms and side effects that it is just staggering the combinations that are possible.


So i've never had swollen ankles, i've never had hemorrhiods, i've never had the urge to clean my house (damn i really could have used that last one)


Maybe you have never had recurrent ankle sprains? How bout cooking induced weeping?  How about your nipple color running down your boobs like wet watercolor paints? No?  Well, how about ass hiccups?!


That's right, ass hiccups. Some babies get hiccups in utero.  You read a lot about that and yet i was wholly unprepared for the incredible strange disturbing feeling that accompanies my daughter hiccuping inside me.


It was so exciting when she first began to move somewhere around 20 weeks and to tell the truth, i still grin like a moron almost every time i feel her move.  It is so weird and wonderful and it's almost never uncomfortable and it's so cool to feel (and often see!) this alien life form kicking and punching and stretching around  right inside my belly.


So i was looking forward with great maternal interest and scientific curiosity to the beginnigs of hiccups. Except they don't feel like a baby hiccuping in your belly. She's head down now so her face is much closer to my pelvis than my bellybutton. And my pelvis is much closer to my ass than i knew. Every time she gets the hiccups each one reverberates throughout my colon, my pelvis, my, um, jeez i don't even know what all is down there. Sometimes English is insufficient and i'm glad i'm jewish.  Every time she hiccups is kinda rocks my kishkas. 


And now for our heartburn update! Started taking a drug called Protonix because apparently i have really "severe pregnancy induced heartburn".  It is so severe that my medical team is sick of fucking hearing about it and was like, "hey take this dangerous drug and shut up, Kay?"  So they prescribed me protonix.  


i have also discovered that this baby has sucked up all my iron so I am now officially anemic. That one is very easy to remedy. I am now taking absurdly expensive iron supplements.  But, coincidentally, I was out of iron when i started the protonix. It kicked in after about two days and it TOTALLY COMPLETELY WORKED!  I was so thrilled and overjoyed i took naps immediately after eating just as a little f-you to my now vanquished heartburn! Just because i could! I started dreaming of the mexican food i would resume eating! I was overjoyed!


Then my insanely expensive iron supplement arrived via amazon and i figured i would be on the road to prenatal nutrition nirvana!  


Then the protonix slowly stopped working and by last night i was back to almost full blown heartburn by 11 pm. @#$#@^&**$##@?!?!?!!


Hey guess what? This is so funny.  IRON interferes with the efficacy of Protonix!  


Only 7 weeks left! 


And counting.

Check out that pigment! I hope it doesn't come off on the sheets.

Why's it called Heartburn? (And not Evil Acid Throat Coat?)

See these baby? Your mama needs her medicine.

Hey! How you doing, Bloggophile? I so appreciate your reading this. And if you've been reading all along, well, i really must apologize for my last post. I was so optimistic and feeling so great! Second trimester flew by and third was trucking along, getting fatter, feeling fine...Remember what i said about how i had nothing to really complain about! Holy fuckballs that is over!


You don't come to WhineKvetchBitch to hear about how wonderful I'm feeling and i shan't be disappointing you anymore. Holy Heartburn! 


Have you ever had heartburn?  i'm here to tell you you haven't had heartburn until you've been pregnant with heartburn.  
First a little lesson: Pregnancy causes heartburn in many individuals for two separate but often concurrent reasons. One: your body produces a hormone that makes your muscles relax a bit called, wait for it... RELAXIN. i'm not kidding. This hormone was named by the good people who brought you Boneva (TM). Relaxin is responsible for a few of the unpleasant side effects of pregnancy like, dropping almost everything you try to grasp, and nearly breaking your ankle just walking down the street because your ligaments and joints are just wobbly. Now Relaxin also relaxes the joints in the pelvis which allows for a baby to pass through almost painlessly! (At least that's what i've been told! i can't wait!)


But relaxin also relaxes an important muscle you may have never even known you had. Your esophageal sphincter! It's like your ES is stoned on the job, too much relaxin and it just doesn't even notice how much stomach acid is flowing out the door the wrong way.


The other reason for stomach acid going in through the out door is the presence of a tiny growing person who is pushing your stomach up higher and higher all the time. 


Add to this a little sprinkle of progesterone (a really more dignified sounding hormone) which slows your digestion down to a crawl.


This means, in my case, if you eat 4 slices of pizza at 11 pm you can now solidly expect that you will not go to sleep until 3:45. When you wake up at 4:45 with acid actually burning your NOSE it has reached so high, you just might consider a trip to the ER because this feels like no heartburn any mortal has ever had.


I know what you're thinking. Um, Perhaps, you should reconsider eating 4 slices of pizza at 11 pm, just sayin...I KNOW! I KNOW. I know.   I am a dumbass.  But i will tell you that tonight i ate so early that we were finished by 6:45. At 7:45 i TOOK  A WALK!!! Come on! That's pretty good right? I mean a long brisk walk. i ate 6 hours ago. Still have heartburn.


this thing is a monster.

communion

I also still have emotional swings like i have never experienced before.  They can only be described as outbursts. The other day i was making banana pudding (came out delish btw) which i have made hundreds of times. i don't even really need to look at the recipe. My husband was standing in the kitchen chatting with me when i turned to grab a cup, knocked over the quart of milk that was standing next to the cup and    proceeded to shriek at him, "do you see?!? Do you seeeeeeee how it happens?" before dissolving into tears. I literally cried over spilt milk.  And cried pretty hard.


Fuckin relaxin.  






In happier news, i do not have colostrum leaking, swollen ankles, sore pelvis, sore lower back, extra vaginal discharge, sciatica, varicose veins, restless legs, itchy abdomen, hemorrhoids or gestational diabetes.  All of which i could have.   All of which someone somewhere has right now.


But this crazy heartburn which is becoming resistant to rolaids, zantac and sleeping standing up like a horse, I think qualifies me to WhineKvetchBitch a little longer!

oh Rolaids, i love you

Nothin but a heartburn thang, yo.

Hiya folks! I took this picture (with a little help) at about 3 o'clock in the morning. And I am posting on the INTERNET at  2:02 am.

why all the late night prenatal erotic photo jouralistic activity? I gots HEARTBURN!  Can't go to sleep. Because i can't lay down. Can't do anything actually erotic, because i can't lay down! Can't read a book, etc etc etc.

Oh. and i'm unemployed.  So staying up later and later has become the norm. We went to bed last night at 3:45. Ridiculous.

I know, i know what you're going to say: Just you wait little Ms. "3 am" until you have to wake up at 5 am to feed that baby.  why do people love to taunt you with this when you are pregnant?  Is it the only way that sleep deprived parents of actual birthed children can react to their deep personal envy  and disgust when they hear that i woke up today at 11:45?  That's right bitches! 11:45 AM.  That's almost PM!!!!

But don't hate me because i'm beautiful ( and sleep late and have no job) Hate me because as soon as i have children that wake me up all night, i am going to do the same thing to your lazy ass when i hear about how you slept past 9.

If this post is about nothing, it's mostly because i don't have a lot of material to work with right now. Sure i dislike heartburn but i love Rolaids (especially the mint ones) and i do feel tired lately, but eh, who cares.

In actuality i have nothing to whine, kvetch, or bitch about these days. I feel great. and everybody is sooooooo nice to you when you are pregnant. And nicest of all i felt something yesterday that i believe was tiny fingers rapping against the insides of me almost like a secret knock.

And i am tempted to say things like, "how cute is that kid? She taps on my insides!" Wow. Could this be mommyhood beginning?

Long time no see!

I've been remiss in logging my blog! But my excuse is a doosey.  I was getting married!  Which could really spawn a blog of it's own, if a person possibly had time to blog while planning a wedding.  But, it is unseemly to whine, kvetch or bitch about planning a wedding.  So i will not. (specially since it came of really swell!) See the picture!

So back to the subject at hand! (Which, incidentally, lends itself beautifully to bitching)

Tomorrow i will be officially SIX months pregnant!   I spent the bulk of weeks 14-22 planning said wedding....

Gah! now i am SIX AND A HALF months pregnant. man it is really hard to finish one of these posts in a logical way.  And here is why folks.  things like this happen every damn day in month SIX:

I realize, oh! i need butter. I leave my cart in the broccoli isle and quickly trot over to the butter. I merely slow down a bit at the salami and cheese and think, hmmmn salami, when i suddenly i have no idea what i am going to get.  Have to go back to the cart stare at it for a while then remember BUTTER! this time i walk to butter aisle and repeat ALOUD several times butter, butter, butter.

Other things that happen
Can't do math anymore. then suddenly can again. it's like temporary brain damage. For a related example see the above where i spelled aisle like a small island.  Yes an entire isle of broccoli!  It's like the blue lagoon!

Also can't bend down anymore.  I mean I can, but it is oh so unpleasant. It squeezes my stomach between my uterus and my lungs (presumably- i don't fucking know it just squeezes something)  And this causes an increase in the already rapid and alarming rate at which ACID leaks out of my stomach into my esophagus. Can you believe i can spell esophagus but not aisle?

This wouldn't be such a big problem except that, like all pregnancy symptoms, one is meant to exacerbate the other.  I drop every-fucking-thing i pick up! sometimes twice.  Yesterday i dropped a nearly full liter bottle of water while i was just standing in the AISLE at Ikea.  it was completely out of the blue, i fumbled it and then almost caught it and then dropped it in a spectacular display of slapstick right in front of two ikea salespeople and then felt compulsed to explain that i am pregnant and i can't hold on to anything.  Thank god phinny arrived and steered me away while i babbled because i was just about to start explaining how the relaxin that allows your uterus to expand also has an effect on the joints in your fingers.

So it goes like this drop keys, bend to pick up keys, get bad heartburn, complain, drop fork, continue cycle.

Anyway, so this is my most scattered post to date but i am going to post it, anyway, because i don't want to metaphorically drop anymore stuff today.

Who needs drugs?

I am 15 weeks today!  That is two weeks into the second trimester. That, for those of you who don't know, is the party trimester. Just because you can't take drugs and drink margaritas, doesn't mean you don't get the benefits of chemicals surging through your system!

Ah, I'm exaggerating.  While i have woken up hung over and puking many many times during the first tri, i have not once felt drunk or high.  But there are sure similarities. What i have felt is this:

First Trimester

Emotional!  (like drunk) I have cried bitterly because my waffle sucked. (in my defense it really was a very bad waffle) i also cried when i was late for a yoga class.  Those are two unreasonable ones, but i am also crying at a lot more news stories, movies and the odd at&t commercial.  I watched the business of being born and i cried during every birth in that movie!  Great documentary by the way! And lastly in this category, i am using more !!!!!'s in my writing than ever!  Seriously!

Tired! (like stoned) Too tired to finish a sentence sometimes, which if you know me is pretty incredible. (and if you don't know me how did you find this blog?) Too tired to exercise. Which is bad because i will be getting married in a few weeks and i would really like it if my arms don't look pregnant too.  Too tired to brush my teeth. Phinny, who is really a champ, brought me my toothbrush and a cup a water so i could brush my teeth in bed last night. Yay Phinny!

Hungry! (like stoned)  I now carry snacks in my car and on my person everywhere i go in case i get the munchies. the big difference is i don't have the desire to eat endless amounts of junk food.  Rather if i don't get to eat something i do want, right away! with no waiting! it starts to feel painful and i get a little sick and i may cry.  and it better not be a shitty waffle!

Heart Racing (stoned)  These are thankfully over. But it sure is weird to be just sitting around doing nothing and your heart starts pounding like you just narrowly averted a Mac truck at 89 mph.

Yucky taste (cocaine?) i don't know, i only took it once or twice and i think i remember it drips a bitter taste onto your throat the whole time. (how delightful, i wonder why i never got into it)  This lesser known symptom of pregnancy is an acrid or metallic taste in your mouth. It is exacerbated by sweet foods and for some very unfortunate women doesn't go away until delivery.  Thank freakin' god mine got much better after 3 days of tasting blech.  I would have killed somebody.  And then cried.

Thirsty, snotty, have to pee!!! (drunk) I am so thirsty all the time so I drink a lot of water. Mucus membranes are overactive because of the hormones so i need to clear my throat and cough and the combination blows, because i always have to pee. If i cough really hard when i already have to pee really bad... you get the picture, yes?

Sore (not like any drug i ever took)  My abdomen is just generally sore all the time. It's very mild, and it only hurts if i move fast.  It really isn't even much of an inconvenience unless i need to stretch to reach something or forget and try to run somewhere. But it is weird.  It feels like i'm being stretched out from the inside. Which i guess i am,  so maybe it's not weird at all.  But i have felt it constantly since the second week. just interesting. to me!  Maybe not so much to you. Who's making you read this? not me. Go read a book.  I'm going to cry.

Second Trimester!

Sexual!!!! (drunk?, stoned?, rolling?) i don't know, it hasn't kicked in yet like they promised, but i'll keep you posted.