ass hiccups and drug interactions

Ah, the crazy shit one experiences while pregnant.  People constantly say "no one tells you blah blah blah is going to happen" and, you know, i think that's not because of some great stoicism on the part of most pregnant women, nor is it because there is a conspiracy to keep us in the dark by mothers who fear we won't wade in if they tell us the truth!

Whew! lookit that bump! 33 weeks!

I think the information is just so diffuse because while somewhere someone is experiencing just exactly what you are, chances are that person is not you friend, or your cousin, or anyone you know.  There are so many hundreds of symptoms and side effects that it is just staggering the combinations that are possible.


So i've never had swollen ankles, i've never had hemorrhiods, i've never had the urge to clean my house (damn i really could have used that last one)


Maybe you have never had recurrent ankle sprains? How bout cooking induced weeping?  How about your nipple color running down your boobs like wet watercolor paints? No?  Well, how about ass hiccups?!


That's right, ass hiccups. Some babies get hiccups in utero.  You read a lot about that and yet i was wholly unprepared for the incredible strange disturbing feeling that accompanies my daughter hiccuping inside me.


It was so exciting when she first began to move somewhere around 20 weeks and to tell the truth, i still grin like a moron almost every time i feel her move.  It is so weird and wonderful and it's almost never uncomfortable and it's so cool to feel (and often see!) this alien life form kicking and punching and stretching around  right inside my belly.


So i was looking forward with great maternal interest and scientific curiosity to the beginnigs of hiccups. Except they don't feel like a baby hiccuping in your belly. She's head down now so her face is much closer to my pelvis than my bellybutton. And my pelvis is much closer to my ass than i knew. Every time she gets the hiccups each one reverberates throughout my colon, my pelvis, my, um, jeez i don't even know what all is down there. Sometimes English is insufficient and i'm glad i'm jewish.  Every time she hiccups is kinda rocks my kishkas. 


And now for our heartburn update! Started taking a drug called Protonix because apparently i have really "severe pregnancy induced heartburn".  It is so severe that my medical team is sick of fucking hearing about it and was like, "hey take this dangerous drug and shut up, Kay?"  So they prescribed me protonix.  


i have also discovered that this baby has sucked up all my iron so I am now officially anemic. That one is very easy to remedy. I am now taking absurdly expensive iron supplements.  But, coincidentally, I was out of iron when i started the protonix. It kicked in after about two days and it TOTALLY COMPLETELY WORKED!  I was so thrilled and overjoyed i took naps immediately after eating just as a little f-you to my now vanquished heartburn! Just because i could! I started dreaming of the mexican food i would resume eating! I was overjoyed!


Then my insanely expensive iron supplement arrived via amazon and i figured i would be on the road to prenatal nutrition nirvana!  


Then the protonix slowly stopped working and by last night i was back to almost full blown heartburn by 11 pm. @#$#@^&**$##@?!?!?!!


Hey guess what? This is so funny.  IRON interferes with the efficacy of Protonix!  


Only 7 weeks left! 


And counting.

Check out that pigment! I hope it doesn't come off on the sheets.

Why's it called Heartburn? (And not Evil Acid Throat Coat?)

See these baby? Your mama needs her medicine.

Hey! How you doing, Bloggophile? I so appreciate your reading this. And if you've been reading all along, well, i really must apologize for my last post. I was so optimistic and feeling so great! Second trimester flew by and third was trucking along, getting fatter, feeling fine...Remember what i said about how i had nothing to really complain about! Holy fuckballs that is over!


You don't come to WhineKvetchBitch to hear about how wonderful I'm feeling and i shan't be disappointing you anymore. Holy Heartburn! 


Have you ever had heartburn?  i'm here to tell you you haven't had heartburn until you've been pregnant with heartburn.  
First a little lesson: Pregnancy causes heartburn in many individuals for two separate but often concurrent reasons. One: your body produces a hormone that makes your muscles relax a bit called, wait for it... RELAXIN. i'm not kidding. This hormone was named by the good people who brought you Boneva (TM). Relaxin is responsible for a few of the unpleasant side effects of pregnancy like, dropping almost everything you try to grasp, and nearly breaking your ankle just walking down the street because your ligaments and joints are just wobbly. Now Relaxin also relaxes the joints in the pelvis which allows for a baby to pass through almost painlessly! (At least that's what i've been told! i can't wait!)


But relaxin also relaxes an important muscle you may have never even known you had. Your esophageal sphincter! It's like your ES is stoned on the job, too much relaxin and it just doesn't even notice how much stomach acid is flowing out the door the wrong way.


The other reason for stomach acid going in through the out door is the presence of a tiny growing person who is pushing your stomach up higher and higher all the time. 


Add to this a little sprinkle of progesterone (a really more dignified sounding hormone) which slows your digestion down to a crawl.


This means, in my case, if you eat 4 slices of pizza at 11 pm you can now solidly expect that you will not go to sleep until 3:45. When you wake up at 4:45 with acid actually burning your NOSE it has reached so high, you just might consider a trip to the ER because this feels like no heartburn any mortal has ever had.


I know what you're thinking. Um, Perhaps, you should reconsider eating 4 slices of pizza at 11 pm, just sayin...I KNOW! I KNOW. I know.   I am a dumbass.  But i will tell you that tonight i ate so early that we were finished by 6:45. At 7:45 i TOOK  A WALK!!! Come on! That's pretty good right? I mean a long brisk walk. i ate 6 hours ago. Still have heartburn.


this thing is a monster.

communion

I also still have emotional swings like i have never experienced before.  They can only be described as outbursts. The other day i was making banana pudding (came out delish btw) which i have made hundreds of times. i don't even really need to look at the recipe. My husband was standing in the kitchen chatting with me when i turned to grab a cup, knocked over the quart of milk that was standing next to the cup and    proceeded to shriek at him, "do you see?!? Do you seeeeeeee how it happens?" before dissolving into tears. I literally cried over spilt milk.  And cried pretty hard.


Fuckin relaxin.  






In happier news, i do not have colostrum leaking, swollen ankles, sore pelvis, sore lower back, extra vaginal discharge, sciatica, varicose veins, restless legs, itchy abdomen, hemorrhoids or gestational diabetes.  All of which i could have.   All of which someone somewhere has right now.


But this crazy heartburn which is becoming resistant to rolaids, zantac and sleeping standing up like a horse, I think qualifies me to WhineKvetchBitch a little longer!

oh Rolaids, i love you