See these baby? Your mama needs her medicine.
Hey! How you doing, Bloggophile? I so appreciate your reading this. And if you've been reading all along, well, i really must apologize for my last post. I was so optimistic and feeling so great! Second trimester flew by and third was trucking along, getting fatter, feeling fine...Remember what i said about how i had nothing to really complain about! Holy fuckballs that is over!
You don't come to WhineKvetchBitch to hear about how wonderful I'm feeling and i shan't be disappointing you anymore. Holy Heartburn!
Have you ever had heartburn? i'm here to tell you you haven't had heartburn until you've been pregnant with heartburn.
First a little lesson: Pregnancy causes heartburn in many individuals for two separate but often concurrent reasons. One: your body produces a hormone that makes your muscles relax a bit called, wait for it... RELAXIN. i'm not kidding. This hormone was named by the good people who brought you Boneva (TM). Relaxin is responsible for a few of the unpleasant side effects of pregnancy like, dropping almost everything you try to grasp, and nearly breaking your ankle just walking down the street because your ligaments and joints are just wobbly. Now Relaxin also relaxes the joints in the pelvis which allows for a baby to pass through almost painlessly! (At least that's what i've been told! i can't wait!)
But relaxin also relaxes an important muscle you may have never even known you had. Your esophageal sphincter! It's like your ES is stoned on the job, too much relaxin and it just doesn't even notice how much stomach acid is flowing out the door the wrong way.
The other reason for stomach acid going in through the out door is the presence of a tiny growing person who is pushing your stomach up higher and higher all the time.
Add to this a little sprinkle of progesterone (a really more dignified sounding hormone) which slows your digestion down to a crawl.
This means, in my case, if you eat 4 slices of pizza at 11 pm you can now solidly expect that you will not go to sleep until 3:45. When you wake up at 4:45 with acid actually burning your NOSE it has reached so high, you just might consider a trip to the ER because this feels like no heartburn any mortal has ever had.
I know what you're thinking. Um, Perhaps, you should reconsider eating 4 slices of pizza at 11 pm, just sayin...I KNOW! I KNOW. I know. I am a dumbass. But i will tell you that tonight i ate so early that we were finished by 6:45. At 7:45 i TOOK A WALK!!! Come on! That's pretty good right? I mean a long brisk walk. i ate 6 hours ago. Still have heartburn.
this thing is a monster.
communion
I also still have emotional swings like i have never experienced before. They can only be described as outbursts. The other day i was making banana pudding (came out delish btw) which i have made hundreds of times. i don't even really need to look at the recipe. My husband was standing in the kitchen chatting with me when i turned to grab a cup, knocked over the quart of milk that was standing next to the cup and proceeded to shriek at him, "do you see?!? Do you seeeeeeee how it happens?" before dissolving into tears. I literally cried over spilt milk. And cried pretty hard.
Fuckin relaxin.
In happier news, i do not have colostrum leaking, swollen ankles, sore pelvis, sore lower back, extra vaginal discharge, sciatica, varicose veins, restless legs, itchy abdomen, hemorrhoids or gestational diabetes. All of which i could have. All of which someone somewhere has right now.
But this crazy heartburn which is becoming resistant to rolaids, zantac and sleeping standing up like a horse, I think qualifies me to WhineKvetchBitch a little longer!
oh Rolaids, i love you
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