ass hiccups and drug interactions

Ah, the crazy shit one experiences while pregnant.  People constantly say "no one tells you blah blah blah is going to happen" and, you know, i think that's not because of some great stoicism on the part of most pregnant women, nor is it because there is a conspiracy to keep us in the dark by mothers who fear we won't wade in if they tell us the truth!

Whew! lookit that bump! 33 weeks!

I think the information is just so diffuse because while somewhere someone is experiencing just exactly what you are, chances are that person is not you friend, or your cousin, or anyone you know.  There are so many hundreds of symptoms and side effects that it is just staggering the combinations that are possible.


So i've never had swollen ankles, i've never had hemorrhiods, i've never had the urge to clean my house (damn i really could have used that last one)


Maybe you have never had recurrent ankle sprains? How bout cooking induced weeping?  How about your nipple color running down your boobs like wet watercolor paints? No?  Well, how about ass hiccups?!


That's right, ass hiccups. Some babies get hiccups in utero.  You read a lot about that and yet i was wholly unprepared for the incredible strange disturbing feeling that accompanies my daughter hiccuping inside me.


It was so exciting when she first began to move somewhere around 20 weeks and to tell the truth, i still grin like a moron almost every time i feel her move.  It is so weird and wonderful and it's almost never uncomfortable and it's so cool to feel (and often see!) this alien life form kicking and punching and stretching around  right inside my belly.


So i was looking forward with great maternal interest and scientific curiosity to the beginnigs of hiccups. Except they don't feel like a baby hiccuping in your belly. She's head down now so her face is much closer to my pelvis than my bellybutton. And my pelvis is much closer to my ass than i knew. Every time she gets the hiccups each one reverberates throughout my colon, my pelvis, my, um, jeez i don't even know what all is down there. Sometimes English is insufficient and i'm glad i'm jewish.  Every time she hiccups is kinda rocks my kishkas. 


And now for our heartburn update! Started taking a drug called Protonix because apparently i have really "severe pregnancy induced heartburn".  It is so severe that my medical team is sick of fucking hearing about it and was like, "hey take this dangerous drug and shut up, Kay?"  So they prescribed me protonix.  


i have also discovered that this baby has sucked up all my iron so I am now officially anemic. That one is very easy to remedy. I am now taking absurdly expensive iron supplements.  But, coincidentally, I was out of iron when i started the protonix. It kicked in after about two days and it TOTALLY COMPLETELY WORKED!  I was so thrilled and overjoyed i took naps immediately after eating just as a little f-you to my now vanquished heartburn! Just because i could! I started dreaming of the mexican food i would resume eating! I was overjoyed!


Then my insanely expensive iron supplement arrived via amazon and i figured i would be on the road to prenatal nutrition nirvana!  


Then the protonix slowly stopped working and by last night i was back to almost full blown heartburn by 11 pm. @#$#@^&**$##@?!?!?!!


Hey guess what? This is so funny.  IRON interferes with the efficacy of Protonix!  


Only 7 weeks left! 


And counting.

Check out that pigment! I hope it doesn't come off on the sheets.